Two pink lines showed up on a test five weeks ago!
Being someone with "female issues" thanks to a condition called PCOS, taking pregnancy tests is something I emotionally steal myself against knowing that most likely my body is just being dumb and I am not actually pregnant. So when those two pink lines show up it usually takes a few minutes for it to sink in, this time was no different.
If I am honest, August was a hard month for me. Back in the spring I had gone to a women's retreat with our church where I felt the Lord challenge me to finally let go of the worry of having more children. The phrase that kept coming to mind was "It is finished" and I felt so at peace with the future of our family knowing that God was in control. Then I missed a period, then I had a six week long period, then my body was crazy, then I thought I was pregnant and three tests came out negative, then the doubts crept back in. So August was a month filled with tears, with anxious dreams and fitful nights, with daily battles to keep my head above water and trust in all that God had spoken to my heart a few months prior. It was a long month and I often felt torn as I wrestled with questioning the promises I had been given.
At the very end of August I started feeling hungry, waking up in the middle of the night to eat handfuls of almonds, and waiting all day long for dinner to come so I could finally feel full. A quiet hope built in me that I was pregnant but I pushed it off thinking it was too good to be true. On September 7th, two pink lines showed up and relief washed over me, I wasn't crazy I was pregnant!
Three weeks later I walked in to the doctors office excited to see the tiny little dot that was our baby. I told my health saga to the nurse practitioner warning her I was pretty confident that I was only 6 weeks along, not 11 like my last period date suggested. She was gracious and supportive saying that we'd just change the due date once she was able to measure the size of the baby on the ultrasound. What popped up on the screen was a little gummy bear NOT a tiny blueberry sized baby, with kicking arm and leg nubbins. I was in awe watching it bounce around on the screen. After a few clicks of the mouse the nurse practitioner chuckled and said, "Well you're definitely farther along than six weeks, you're actually 10 1/2 weeks!" I could not believe it, and as I looked back at everything I went through emotionally in August it made sense, I was pregnant the whole time!
With that said, I am grateful for the month of struggle I went through because I needed to wrestle and question all that I did with the Lord. Now I know beyond a shadow of a doubt that He is powerful to heal and faithful to provide regardless of my wandering heart. But besides that, I'm also grateful I skipped out on almost 5 weeks of being pregnant...every woman should get to have that experience it's exhilarating! I'm also glad I'm not crazy, my pants were starting to feel tight and when I stepped on the scale at the doctors office I had gained three pounds. "Three pounds in six weeks and tight pants already, I know you show earlier with your second but I'm doomed" I thought to myself. Thankfully it was all just because I was farther along than I thought.